Closing a Door....
Why hello there! What are you doing today? I hope its enjoying your life in whichever way you see fit! What an awesome day today. That parade was really cool, man. I had a good time. Seeing everyone with a singular goal coming together. Sure it is just a parade and it seemed easy to accomplish the parade, but still, we had to work to get the parade done. It was really cool to watch both Sihings jump ahead and do their weapons form and then the crowd starts cheering, and ohhing. Awesome! I do enjoy watching everyone succeed. The happiness everyone feels from scaring children with the lions. Awesome! I become filled with inspiration and joy seeing people winning. I got to step back for a quick note. As noted before I came from the loosing side of things. Always loosing, always getting beat down by life and people. Yes, in the last few years since facing life on life's terms I have had success. But, since joining I Ho Chaun and really trying to commit to what I.H.C. stands for in life, have I found real success. There is a difference. A huge difference. When sobering up and all you have is not getting wasted, that is a huge accomplishment. Almost four years later and I still feel a huge sense of awesomeness when I wake up and remember the day before. Waking up without guilt or remorse. Today, I am beyond those goals. Don't get me wrong sobriety is still, number one in my life, hands down with out question. Beyond that goal you might ask. Well, yeah, to an extent. I do not have to completely put every ounce of energy into not getting wasted. Obviously, I have time to do other things, like kung-fu. Kung fu helps very much with re-iterating the fact that I do not have to get wasted. That i can be amazing if i choose to be. There just is not time for anything else but kung fu and my family. And its not just kung fu, it is a way of life. It is more than a year long commitment to mastery of kung fu. I am very happy Sifu Brinker reminded us of that yesterday. Thank you for that. I forgot the main purpose of I.H.C., to be brutally honest. Yes I re-affirmed myself last weekend. But, with sifu's words and the actions of others yesterday, I really feel good about I.H.C. again. Hahaha, that's an understatement. Yeah I am really into "it" today. Just absolutely jacked to be alive. And just blown away that I have the privilege to do some awesome kung fu today. At my leisure!!!
Okay, so I want to get real honest with everyone here today. Now, yesterday, I had a moment during the parade, that just blew me out of the water. I near came to a complete stop and just stared. Yes this blog has a lot of the past in it, and for good cause. That is where I have been on and of since half way through the parade. This is something I very honestly was not going to talk about here on the internet, or with any of you people, but, if I want to be apart of the silent river kung fu family, then I believe I need to come clean about this topic. I hate secrets and I hate holding them when I know that they are going to impair me. Again, this said individual has been on my mind a lot in the last few weeks. Yesterday, I am walking, like everyone else, in the parade. We are about 20 minutes into the walking down the street thing. And out of the corner of my eye, there is this girl with beautiful long golden blonde hair. She has these amazingly huge eyes, and the look on her face as the lion comes her way is one of absolute joy. Jumping and laughing. I was stunned. I had to take a second, a third, and a fourth look and was like "holy happy horse poo, that's my little girl" I wanted to run back and re-introduce myself and, I wanted to take her by the hand and have her walk up front the pack with me. I wanted to sing her the lullabies I have never been able to sing I wanted to hold her like I have never been allowed to. I wanted to put her on my shoulders and shout at the crowd "This is my baby girl. Look to see how beautiful she is!!" The last time I held her in my arms, she was one and a half years old. The last time I saw her, that wasn't rushed to be finished quickly, she was almost three. She is now ten years old. So yeah, I had a flushing of all sorts of emotions in the system. I tell you what though. Yesterday was not the day to be imposing my will on her or her grandmother. I lost that ability years ago. I was asked to leave her life, and I did. When I say I was a degenerate in the past, with a legacy of violence hatred and booze, I meant it. Leaving was not an easy decision to make. I was not daddy material and where I was, I did not want to be. Cowardly.... I know. I lived with that demon for years. Honestly, I would have caused so much more damage if I stayed. The best thing I ever did for her was walking away. That may cause some hatred or anger in some people, and that is fine, feel how you feel, I don't really care when it comes to this topic. You where not there. That was all I had to offer was a terrible attitude and a mean right hook. I do not have the words to properly explain where I was, especially on the internet. I will face to face if you so desire. You see, I know in my heart and soul that my baby girl will want to learn what her father is all about. And when that day comes, I know I will be able to properly give the answers she desires. There are no explanations that can justify myself for how I used to be. But, I hope her grandmother and her can see the changes that have happened and continue to happen. I pray that one day, the work I have put into changing my life will be recognized. I will not ever ask for forgiveness, but I do desire a second chance. One day, one day I will prove to her and everyone else from my past that people can and will change. I hope she can see, that I needed to loose myself to find out who I really am. I am just happy that I sobered up when I did. I would not be here today if I sobered up at a different date. This is how my journey is laid out. Life is the way it is supposed to be. Just dandy. I now have an alterative motive, to use kung fu, The Program, and life lessons to really excel as a man. I want to show everyone that life is amazing and so are you. Now go do some push ups!!
I desire to use mastery as my elevator to the top of my spiritual being. Mastery, to me right now, is recognizing the extra-ordinariness of our beings, and we all are extra-ordinary, now we build from there. Anything we do, everything we say, must now be top notch. Its okay to make mistakes as long as we can be gracious enough to accept our mistakes and grow from there. For me, I have to continue being awesome in my words. To continue to choose the proper thing to say, no matter what I feel I should say. To say that one thing to that one person that will build them as a person. To construct relationships out of love and respect, not fear and pain. Strip away the fear, and its all the same love. I cant change loving all of you, you all are too important to me. Even if I barely remember your name. I remember, that love is patient, love is kind, and that we all need some loving, in this beautiful thing we call life.
Now as for kung-fu, I crushed my goals of one thousand push up and sit ups. Awareness, was kept very high this week and A.O.K.'s flourished again. Keeping a daily journal of what I do and what I eat has been exceptionally helpful. For instance, when we started this journey, I drank one maybe two glasses of water. Today, I feel sick if I only drink one or two glasses of water. Being visually aware of what goes into our bodies, is huge start to living better, as I have read, numerous times, I now understand. Being nice to people is certainly much easier as time goes on. Especially, when i have to be accountable to everyone else, not just me. Today, I am much more likely to stop and help or compliment someone, just because I should "Hey there guy" I shouted across the parking lot Friday afternoon, "Nice truck man, boy that is a nice truck!" "Thank you" he shouts back. That was neat. In fact I feel bad if I do not compliment someone when opportunity arises. Weird, I know. Another thing I never thought would happen to me. There are new emotions that, I have never felt before. Some days it is too much and I want to just hide. But, I can not, nor will I stop progress. No more. That would be retarded. Especially after the taste of the good life, that I have had. And if I look at things from my favorite spiritual side. If I get in the way of progress, than, I am saying that I am greater than you and my higher power. I am saying I know what is best for me and you. That is fuelling the ego again. That damn ego will kill us. One way or another.
Man, I just can not get over the gratitude I feel, from hanging with the fellow I Ho Chauners. Every time I am training with a black belt or higher ranking belt. I still say to myself, "I can not believe I am training with these other people. Wow. How did this happen?" Maybe it is the lessons I try to take away, from each and every meeting. With each and every blog I read. With every conversation that is had. So much gratitude and even more humbleness. I am so thankful for I Ho Chaun. Even more thankfulness for Silent River even being here in stony plain. Fantastic! What a blessing I have been handed. "Here man, try this" my higher power says. I am like "well, you know best, so thank you G-man, thanks for you thought of little me!"
Finally, after reading Sihings blog, I too am going to start using you black belts a lot more. His blog made a lot of sense to me, and I too am going to commit to building those circular patterns that kung fu works on. So, Next time we are in class, I am going to be picking a lot of brains. Time to get out of mine and into yours. Bwhahaha. This is going to be epic!
Oh stay strong and stay cool Sifu Beckett. I am sending all the energy I can your way. I hope you get better soon. And I hope to see you even sooner!!
Well Thanks for your time.
Have a great day everyone