Reclaiming Humanity

Hello everyone,

This week I want to start by talking about the power of positive thinking. It will lead into the meat and potatoes of my blog later. As far as my leg injury goes, I took a positive approach right from the start. Don't get me wrong, I gave myself half an hour to be pissed off, sulky, and say all the 4 letter words. Then it was right back to work. By work I mean getting my mind right going forward, with positive thoughts.

So my prognosis from the Doctor was 2-6 weeks healing time, using my own discretion as to how much I use the leg. It's been just over 2 weeks, and with it pretty heavily wrapped I'm able to do almost everything. Still some pain, but not bad. It's getting better every day. So would it have healed at this rate if I was angry and frustrated for the last 2 weeks? Who knows.... My point is whether or not positive thoughts actually worked, I was open to it, I believed it, and I focused on it.

The important fact is not "did it work?". It's that I embraced it. And that's what my blog is about.

Not long ago I had no time for wishy-washy concepts like energies and universal harmonies, and karma. I was way too negative and cynical. I realize now I had become a cold-hearted, unfeeling "robot" for lack of a better word. I wasn't always like that. In my younger days I was sensitive and open-minded. 15 years of being around other people's pain and suffering caused me to develop this defense mechanism. Because it works. It's easier to deal with bad things when you don't give a crap. But losing your humanity in the process is a high price to pay. Early in my career when someone would die in front of me, I would feel sad for them. I would wonder about what happens to them now. Are they just gone? All their joy and pain, their ups and downs, their laughter and sorrows. If it was a young person I'd think "jeez they had their whole life ahead of them". If it was an elderly person I would think "I hope they got to do everything they wanted in life" I would wonder does it affect my own spirit by being the last person they saw, or holding their hand as they slipped away? Who knows, I didn't have answers but at least I had questions and felt a human connection. By the end of my career, I had none of those questions. It was literally like "f*** it, bag 'em up" and on to whatever's next. Quite a stark contrast....

Funny thing about losing your humanity, the more you lose it, the more you start to feel like you don't need it. Because in a backwards way, it gets you through the day.

There are many reasons I've started to reclaim my humanity. Not the least of which is Silent River Kung-Fu. You've all helped me re-open my eyes to the idea that we're more than meat-sacks. That there is good in people. Seeing selfless acts of kindness without expecting a damn thing in return. Amazing. And for allowing me a safe and welcoming environment to work on overcoming my fears and anxieties. Which, when they were at their worst, I couldn't step out my front door without panicking and breaking down.

Yet here I am, feeling blessed, and excited to continue down this path. Ultimately it's my goal to give back and repay the gifts I've been given. How this will happen is not entirely clear, but with an open-mind and a TRUE connection to the people around me, I'm sure it will manifest if I stay on course.

John Kirkman

"Yesterday, I chose pain, Today, I choose life. Tomorrow is a blessing and a gift" - Me