Illogical Emotions

Yesterday I was awarded student of the year. Wow and Yikes.

This honour came with a lot of emotions. Some of these, including shock, guilt and fear, were even more surprising than the award. What an illogical response. The correct response would have been to be ecstatic and proud.

I am proud. But ecstatic, no.

I feel guilty that I took this award away from many other students at the Kwoon that I feel are extraordinary and deserving of this award.

I am also a bit embarrassed. I really don’t like to be looked at. Believe it or not I am quite shy and nervous in public. I like to hide behind “goofiness” as this deflects most people and I can remain safe and unobserved.

Most the time I figure no one even notices me and just fly under everyone’s radar in my ordinariness. People are doing such amazing things and I just thought I was blending into the glow surrounding them and not drawing any attention to myself. Apparently not. My under-the-radar technique wasn’t working and people were actually looking at me! How embarrassing!

Receiving this award calls me out as being extraordinary. And the responsibility that comes with this is terrifying to me. Not only are people looking at me, but I now have a huge responsibility to demonstrate that I deserved this award and carry it forward. Terrifying.

Can I do it? Of course the answer is YES.

In my heart, I know that I am amazing. I know that I deserved this award. I am proud (after having worked through some of my initial negative feelings). And I am even a little bit happy (just not ecstatic, yet).

First, I have even more hard work/Kung Fu to do…

Sharida Csillag