Mending My Relationship

The day I went over the IHC requirements with Sifu Brinker, and we got to the Mend a Relationship requirement – I thought to myself, and might have said out loud.  “Oh, that one won’t be too hard”.  After all I work in Human Resources, networking and relationships is my thing… right?

Now here comes the sharing part.  I’m super good at talking to other people, giving them advice and helping them through their “stuff”… when it comes to me – well, I’m not really that much of a sharer and prefer to keep it inside.

I’ll need to give a bit of a back story before I can get to my point.

5 years ago I lost my dad to colon cancer.  My dad…. my dad was my best friend, my number one guy, and the glue that held my family together.  My dad was my everything.  Losing him rocked me to the very bottom of my core.  My mother and younger brother chose to ease their grief in alcoholism, and I chose to just keep everything inside and keep on keeping on.. after all that’s what everyone expected me to do.

The outcome of holding everything inside resulted in a recent diagnoses of Depression.  My doctor told me that I should try to find an outlet, a place to put my emotions, someone to talk too, or something to hit..  I don’t talk to my girlfriends because they through their love for me try to give me advice and want to fix me.  I don’t talk to my husband, because I don’t want him to worry, my children should not bear their mother’s burden, and I don’t talk to my mom or brother because I didn’t believe that their choices were healthy for my family.  We don’t have a large network of extended family in the area – actually, we don’t have any.

So… I’ll talk to you.  The  kwoon is one place where I feel cared about but in a non judgemental way, not in a “hey, I want to fix you”, way, or a “whisper behind her back because she’s a little bit off”, way… just a steady, consistent there for you when you need to hit something way.  Let me tell you…sometimes I REALLY NEED TO HIT SOMETHING.

Alright so back to the mending of the relationships piece that started all of this.  I thought initially that I could try to mend my relationship with my brother. I haven’t spoken a word to him in 5 years.  I phoned him and left him a message and two weeks later he left me a voicemail that was incoherent as he was under the influence of alcohol.  So, I kind of sat there after listening to his message for a third time and thought “nope, I can’t do it”, I cannot carry his choices into my family”.   Well now what?  what relationship am I going to mend?

Today I have decided that I am going to mend my relationship with myself.  This may not be the direction that the requirement is supposed to go, but I feel like it is the right direction for me to go in.

The truth is.. I spend a lot of time doubting myself, questioning if I am good enough… am I good enough for my job?  Am I good enough at Kung Fu?  Am I a good enough mom?  It’s a really lonely and sad place to live… and I don’t want to live in that place anymore.  I don’t really like who I am very much so  I’ve decided that the best and most important relationship for me to mend is with myself.

So, I’m going to end this blog by doing something that I never do.  I’m going to compliment me.

I’m very proud of myself for writing this blog and putting myself out there.

Now I’m outta here before I change my mind and delete this whole thing.

Nicole Tomie